My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Cha-ching is my safe word
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M