Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.