It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
You Might Also Like
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!