The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Sooo many times…..
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.