Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Uh oh…
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money