*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Mood.. 😂
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?