When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.