“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Who needs clocks when my dog鈥檚 digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as 鈥淒on鈥檛 make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother鈥檚 Insulting Banana Offer
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 馃様
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I unironically love this joke.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.