The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you