I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
(2022)
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun