[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.