[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I need better friends
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore