Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Good morning, Twitter x
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.