a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Cake!!
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.