Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”