EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.