*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
HELP 😭
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
He took my last fry, your honor
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.