Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
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A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.