[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
SF is the wild wild west man
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it