[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
You Might Also Like
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.