Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad