For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
They grow up so quick
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.