Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Miscakes
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??