you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I can’t stop watching this.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it