Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*