This meeting could have been a cake
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Oh deer
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
😂 amazing answer
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what