I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job