[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.