Rooting for the overdog
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
mmm onion ringos
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics