#SuperBowl
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
secret recipe
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense