The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.