Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I have so many questions.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.