I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE