[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
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Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]