Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Breaking news:
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*