cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?