[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Whoa… oh I see lol
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.