That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse