The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”