Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
You Might Also Like
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.