I could NOT have put it better myself.
You Might Also Like
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.