me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
We all have our pet causes.