Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.