my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
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My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party