It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
You Might Also Like
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what