Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Boating season is upon us.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no