MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.