*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
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Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
i- i did not expect this
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.