My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Just ordered me some pizza!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.