Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.